Support for The Other Man, Wives of Gay Men & Husbands of Straight Wives

With Hopes of Returning Home as a Functional Straight or Heterosexual Family

This poem was sent to me by a wife of the gay husband, who is in such denial that she couldn't accept her husband's double lifestyle as a gay married man. As she was pleading, please stay...

 

Here We Go Again Please just let me in again We have so much to do There is not much time, For what we need to get done We wasted the first part of Now there is nothing left Too much time has passed I some how forget the day Because I closed my eyes, And you slipped away But you won’t do that Or maybe you do not need me, Like I need you Accept me as I am You knew me my positive ways Now we need to find a new way, To make this thing work out What do you have to say? I have given my plea Please don’t reject me You can see what I am worth, Understand where I may be For that is the purpose of our lives, Is to be together, As a family the way we have been for the past 15 years… ----Sandy C

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Sex Sells, Aids Kills - HIV - Understanding Risky Sex for Married Closeted Men & Straight Wives

Sex Sells, Aids Kills - HIV - Understanding Risky Sex for Married Closeted Men by Dennis Schleicher

Yes, it has been quite a long time since I've discussed the ramifications of living a secret double lifestyle. It continues to amaze me that the number of married gay men secretly living a double life that have no intention of coming out to their spouse/wife of their homosexual encounters. Yes, that's you, the men that I talk to daily that believe, because you're posing as “straight” your immune to the epidemic of HIV and AIDS. So let’s talk:

The HIV antibody can take up to three months to develop and be detected in a blood test after the virus has been transmitted. THIS is not to be taken lightly, and all people testing for HIV should first receive proper counseling as to its advisability in their particular situation. The decision to test for HIV must be an individual one, and no one should allow themselves to be coerced into taking the test.

Understanding Risky Sex

Following activities are considered to present the highest risk:

· Oral Sex: The HIV virus in semen and vaginal fluids will normally be destroyed by stomach acids if ingested. The risk of infection increases if your partner is giving fellatio or cunnilingus has any small sores, ulcers, or cuts present in your mouth or gums. To minimize your risk, condoms could be used or latex barriers can be used during cunnilingus.

· Anal intercourse without condoms: The blood vessels in the rectum can easily rupture with the friction of sexual activity, creating a high risk of infection.

· Sharing sex toys: You should not share any sex toys with your partner because of the risk of cross-infection of the virus.

· Casual sex and multiple partners: With casual sex affairs you will never know the full sexual history of the other person. EVEN if your told I’m FINE OR CLEAN. BIG RED FLAG!

· The use of condoms reduces your risk by 98%. Safer sex activities or just NOT having sex at all is only way to stay 100% clean. Many if not ALL of the married men I deal with day in and day out are not educated as to safer sex activities which leads to cross-infection to there straight wife’s at home.

The CDC: http://www.cdc.gov/hiv Hartford Gay & Lesbian Health Collective: http://www.hglhc.org/ National HIV & STD Testing Resources: http://www.hivtest.org/

Bonnie Kaye Books - Author / Expert on Straight / Gay Marriages

The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder ... Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of Straight Wives is Bonnie's second book. ... Newsletters About Gay Husbands ...

www.BonnieKayeBooks.com 

 

Gay Husbands/Straight Wives - Info, help and counseling for women who discover that their husbands are gay/bisexual.
www.GayHusbands.com

 

Do Tell Us Your Story by Posting Your Comments Anonymously ??? Be Safe - Dennis

 

Dating Advice, Gay and Single Forever?

Gay and Single … Forever?

We recently sat down with Dennis Schleicher, author of Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-Mail Diaries (A true story based on his own experience) He shared his advice on how to revisit your notions of love and attraction and how to find a lasting romance. Here's the scoop.

Q: So does every married so-called straight man need a lifelong gay partner?

A: It's important to mention that I've talked with many married closeted men pretending to be straight living The All-American heterosexual lifestyle and others who happy just being single. One can be single and happy, possibly forever. That's not to say there aren't highs and lows, but there are highs and lows in relationships, partnerships and marriages as well. What these happy and single gay men had in common when I did my research was a sense of acceptance of themselves as they were, rather than feeling pressure to change. They had close friendships, families of choice, and a sense that in their aging years they were complete as they were, and were not interested in the often exhausting pursuit of "Mr. Right." In a sense, they "give in" as opposed to what many people might consider "giving up."

Q: Why do some gay men find themselves perpetually single?

A: Here's my opinion: In our culture, men are socialized at a very young age not to trust or be close with other men, because it's too gay and not "masculine." Gay men can be further wounded because we actually are gay and may wind up having to suppress those desires for a time. Then once we do come out, we're suddenly expected to be able to put aside all the distrust we have for guys, open up to them, trust them, make ourselves vulnerable… Quite often we just wind up hurting each other, which adds further baggage to the pile. Also, in a relationship, one person usually gives up more of his identity for the other. People like to pretend that relationships are a marriage of two equals, but this is rarely the case. Someone has to give more than the other, and when it's two guys, there's less chance of one of them giving up some of his identity, which makes developing a relationship hard.

Q: When looking for a boyfriend, are there any "warning signs" men should look out for in potential partners?

A: Every man has a list of "red flags" that turns him off. A couple of mine are substance abuse and lack of ambition. If a guy only talks about himself and never asks about me, that's a major turn-off too. And if I'm not keen on his friends, I wonder if I can really be keen on the guy himself or if it's short-term infatuation. OK, now, while many of these red-flag behaviors may be legitimate turn-offs, I caution gay men about giving up too quickly. If you go on a date, I really think the only thing you should be asking yourself afterwards is if you like the guy enough to go on a second date. I caution against worrying about sexual chemistry, which sometimes needs to develop over time or whether you think he's got husband potential. You've only been on one date for crying out loud! Chill!

Tell Dennis What You Think???

The Other Man Support

"Straight Acting" Gay Men, Mazculinity & Finding True Love Ask Angelo Pezzote 

Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender News & Free Videos | 365gay.com

Do You Feel Optimistic About Gay Rights Legislation?

Do you feel more optimistic about the prospects for gay rights legislation than you did last year?

63% Yes

30% No

7% Not Sure

“We now have a president who is at least sympathetic toward LGBT issues rather than openly hostile, as was the previous administration.”

“The only thing the current administration offers is a lot of lip service.” “We are definitely moving in the right direction and at a much faster pace.” --The Advocate featured in the June issue.

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Online Dating! Do You Ever Ask Why He Noticed Your Profile?

Online Dating! Do You Ever Ask Why He Noticed Your Profile?

By Dennis Schleicher

You know you and your guy are getting pretty close when you've reached that stage in your relationship where you can talk about all of the funny/awkward/cute things that happened when you first met. I talk about this all of the time. One date in particular I was taken to a museum (cute) followed by dinner at a pretty artistic "restaurant" that has since, ahem, closed down (not-so cute). Just recently I asked my date what he initially noticed about me that made him interested. You'll never guess what he said...

My style. Huh?! I immediately asked him if he thought that most guys online think style in a profile is important, and he said he did. But I wasn't convinced. After we asked some of his friends, we decided that, really, only one or two of them would even notice what I was wearing.

Here's the thing: Guys definitely check out bodies, right? (Duh.) So if you're wearing clothing that shows off all of your assets, he's going to take note of your profile. In the photo that caught his attention I was wearing a button-down shirt, and fashionable jeans with nice dress shoes. I was also informed that the vast selection of photos, offering different appearances, caught his attention.

So, then, why did he notice my style? Here's the caveat: A select number of guys genuinely do appreciate a fashionable man. If your fella is artsy, if he's an observant chap, if he takes pride in his own style, if he’s smart—and into you enough—to notice that it’s something you take pride in, or if he's gay (kidding!) there's a pretty good chance that your top-notch taste with your online profile will earn you some points and land your profile on the top of the list. The other plus for you chic Internet daters out there is that if you offer photos or wear a little something that's interesting, or different, guys will usually send you an e-mail. After we make that initial connection. We are looking for every reason to keep our conversation flowing. So if you have some fresh a really cool and up to date photos that's obviously not from these here parts, he'll probably bring it up.

Tell me, guys, can you relate to this? What's the first thing your guy noticed about your online profile? Does your man dig your style? Do you usually dress for you or your date? Do you ask your guy why he's so into you? What do you notice first about guys? Have you ever changed your style for a guy? Or, have you asked him to dress differently for you?

Why Is My Husband Gay? Did I Make Him Gay?

Why Is My Husband Gay? Did I Make Him Gay?

Over four million Americans are effected by an epidemic of relationship shifting that breaks traditional notions of what a couple is and what they should be. Men or women that have denied their true sexuality in order to follow the societal norm of the traditional marriage scenario are increasingly finding other options to fulfill who they really are. In that process of “coming out”, I’ve seen both men, women and children suffer the collateral damage of lives that will forever be changed. Through many support groups, both online and off, through books, including my own and through honest communication with each other, it is my intent to provide this as a place for any person involved in this kind of relationship to find safe haven.

The Gay Man's Therapist by Angelo Pezzote

Your Weekly Affirmtion: The sun is always shining behind the clouds, even if grey skies is all you can see. ~Angelo

All's He Cares About Is Himself!

Dear Angelo,

I am in love with my friend but he doesn't feel the same way about me. In fact, he's very self-absorbed. All he cares about is himself. He doesn't even treat me good, but he's all I think about. I can't imagine my life without him. I need him. I wish he could just see that I'm what he's been looking for. I find myself really lonely, doubting myself and questioning things. I'm miserable, thinking of hurting myself, knowing I'll never be able to be with him. I wonder if things will ever improve for me. I'm so confused right now. I don't want to end up old and alone surrounded by cats and dogs.

Signed, Sinking Ship

 

Dear Sinking Ship,

I'm sorry you're suffering through this awful situation. The pain of unrequited love can be excruciating and the ensuing grief can seem unbearable. I'm so glad you sent out this S.O.S. ! And you know what? Your use of humor at the end ("surrounded by cats and dogs") tells me you're going to be okay.

 

In the movie Titanic, Rose has to let go of Jack's frozen hand (allowing him to sink underwater) to get rescued. The lesson is that sometimes we have to let go of something we love to save ourselves. It's better for you to let him go and suffer the relatively short-term emotional pain rather than drawing out the misery of not having him. Anything less is masochistic.

 

As painful as it is, every time you think of him say, "I release you and wish you well." Then ask yourself, "what do I need to do to take care of myself right now?" Then do that. You must believe that you're trading this relationship in for a better one. The Universe is already directing the right guy to cross your path at the right time. Focus on that new love to come rather than on what didn't work out.

 

I also suggest you call the Trevor Project (a 24/7 confidential gay suicide & crisis prevention helpline http://www.trevorproject.org ) immediately at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR or 1-866-488-7386. I also recommend you consult with mental health experts such as a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. It's also a good idea to attend a 12-step group such as CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous http://www.codependents.org ) or Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org ) for self-care, learning how to keep the focus on yourself.

All The Best, Angelo.

Author of Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity, And Finding True Love

http://www.askangelo.com

Life...Who's Helping With Yours? Did you know I personally provide one on one support by telephone and internet (Skype) no matter where you are? I even pay for the call (by calling you). And for you recessionistas, I have a special low fee for your first session by phone or internet Reduced Introductory Session so you can try me out. I've actually reduced my fees in general to help my clients during this awful recession, and have phone/internet packages and rewards to help you save even more! There will never be a better time to begin than right now. Details Next Event MAKING LOVE Thu APR 16 8-10pm LGBT Center Free (Donation). Want more Ask Angelo advice? Want to Blog, Chat, Connect? Not yet a member? Register. Missed a Natty Newsletter? Sign in to the Members Area at AskAngelo.com and go to the Archives under your Mailing Lists tab.

 

Feel free to forward this e-zine to a friend. If they like it they can join to get it free at AskAngelo.com Win a free autographed copy of my book as a raffle prize. Anyone who joins our newsletter list or refers someone to our list in the next 30 days is entered.

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Supportively Yours,

Angelo Pezzote, MA, NCC, LMHC, LMFT, RPH

Tel (917) 673-5003 Manhattan, NY www.AskAngelo.com 

 

Editor’s note: As one of the best clinical psychotherapist, especially within the genre of gay, lesbian, bisexual, questioning, and transgender issues, Angelo Pezzote can undoubtedly help you with a broad range of concerns including: relationships, anxiety, depression, addiction, trauma (abuse), sexuality, and gender. He is available by appointment in-person, over the phone, or internet (Skype), which allows him to counsel any of my support group members no matter where you are throughout the country.

Dennis Schleicher

Best-Selling Author and Support Group Counselor

http://gayhusbands.wordpress.com/ 

Dennis Schleicher's book Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries is Riveting By Angelo Pezzote

Dear Angelo, I love your blog (http://www.askangelo.blogspot.com). I found out about you as I am involved in a gay support group. I have an issue that I hope you can help address and clarify. Author Dennis Schleicher (Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries) is adamant that in order to be a part of his support network that we as gay married men all have to have goals. One of the goals is that we must plan to come out and come clean to our wives. I have an issue with this as I am not ready to come out to my wife and family. Why should I be segregated from his support group if I choose not to comply with his guidelines? I need his support group as it’s a great way for me to connect and hook up with other guys in my shoes. If he finds out that I do not have a plan, I'm afraid I will be asked to leave the group. This is just not fair! That's my problem.

Signed, Married Gay Man

Dear Married Gay Man,

Coming out is not an event. It's a lifelong process of overcoming learned shame and increasing self-acceptance. I advocate that all gay men must strive to come out - fully. No one can truly be happy and thrive in the shame and secrecy of being in the closet - fully or partially. (That includes Ted Haggard. You can watch my youtube video opinion on Ted at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcF9Q5ibacY ) The only way others will accept us is if we are brave enough to accept ourselves, being out. The most effective weapon against homophobia is being out. Those that know a gay person are more likely to be supportive of equal gay rights. So overall, I support Dennis' position in principle and respect his right to have his rules. I am sure he has good reasons for them.

However, I also support your right to come out on your own timetable. I think as long as you're striving for and working towards full disclosure as a goal, I think you should be allowed to remain in the group. If however, you have no intention of moving in that direction, then you should respect his group rules and withdraw. It's a tough call. It's like an alcoholic coming into treatment with me who isn't ready for AA. Is it better for me to support him, meeting him where he's at and guiding him toward recovery, or to refuse to treat him until he stops drinking and joins AA? For better or worse, I do the former, but the key is in either case - the client has to have to want to stop drinking. Similarly, you have to want to come out to be "treated." But the "when" of it needs to be left up to you. You're not alone. Every gay man takes the journey from the closet to a life of authenticity. Coming out is the struggle that unites us as gay men. Aside, Dennis Schleicher's book Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries is riveting. At once the reader's taken in, identifying with the author's suffering for being different and his plight for love in a desert of intimacy called the gay community.

Dennis writes (my composite), I don't like what the gay community has to offer. I've been to gay bars and find the people to be extremely clique-y and shallow and into themselves. I am so tired of dealing with the gay scene, the cattiness, the “I promise to call you,” or the “We have so much in common, where have you been my whole life?” Only to never hear from that other man again…the gay community isn't emotionally available or stable. It is a natural desire and need I have, as a human being, to be physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually close with another person. Is this what all human man kind want’s? This is my history with gay men since I first came out--always searching for love but never finding the commitment that I am so desperately seeking. I have to tell you, I've been burned so many times by gay men, I'm questioning whether or not I'm actually gay. I'm not physically attracted to the female anatomy, but I'm attracted to the emotional stability that I have seen in my female friends.

As I write about in my own book Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love, learned shame derived from heterosexism and gay stigma lead many gay men to tone down the signals that they're gay and turn up "real man" traits to gain more acceptance. After all, if a guy's too "out" he may face loss, social humiliation, and life threatening danger for being perceived as weak or "a fag." This causes many men to hide, keeping their sexuality in the closet, or muting their "gayness" once their out. Either way, this tough straight acting facade blocks men from one another's hearts, making building meaningful lasting relationships challenging to say the least.

Dennis takes us on his journey of how he was driven to look for love from a closeted married man because of the lack of emotional availability of many openly gay men. You don’t go to Holland to buy Tulips if they’re down at the corner store. He was further pushed to this extreme in his search for love by his experience of gay men's mistreatment of one another. Dating a closeted married man was a desperate cry for help to be rescued from the pain of gay loneliness. He was seeking an oasis where he could fill his heart with some “real” intimacy. Being fed up with openly gay men, perhaps he felt it was the best he could hope for.

Many men like Dennis are walking around in a gay wasteland looking for love. They’re dazed in despair, crying out for love in an often hostile barren land. Their alienation is intensified not only because it's hard for men to feel safe, supported, and comfortable enough in our society to love each other openly, but also because it's hard for gay men to love themselves from all the rejection they face. Hence, many of us find ourselves all alone with a hole inside and a constant craving to fill it. We have a burning desire for love in a community that seems to have lack and limitation around it. Being alone, or single, only reinforces an underlying sense of inferiority ― that there’s something wrong with us. Dennis's book helps men understand how not being authentic not only hurts themselves, but hurts others who love them (wives, children, the other man). His crusade to help gay men be out and proud and to treat each other with love and respect is a must read for any man struggling with his sexuality and those that love them; A perfect compliment to Straight Acting - Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love.

All The Best, Angelo Pezzote

Author of "Straight Acting" In Book Stores Now! Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C. The Gay Man's Therapist Do you have a question for Angelo to address in his column? Email ask@askangelo.com Would you appreciate a safe supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands. Podcasts, Teleseminars, Advice On Demand, Workshops, Groups and Private Practice Available.

Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003. www.AskAngelo.com

© Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved

A Gay-Marriage Solution: End Marriage?

A gay couple is married at Arlington Street Church in Boston Rick Friedman / Corbis When a Jewish boy turns 13, he heads to a temple for a deeply meaningful rite of passage, his bar mitzvah. When a Catholic girl reaches about the same age, she stands in front of the local bishop, who touches her forehead with holy oil as she is confirmed into a 2,000-year-old faith tradition. But missing in each of those cases — and in countless others of equal religious importance — is any role for government. There is no baptism certificate issued by the local courthouse and no federal tax benefit attached to the confessional booth, the into-the-water-and-out born-again ceremony or any of the other sacraments that believers hold sacred.

 

Only marriage gets that treatment, and it's a tradition that some legal scholars have been arguing should be abandoned. In a paper published March 2 in the San Francisco Chronicle, two law professors from Pepperdine University issued a call to re-examine the role the government plays in marriage. The authors — one of whom voted for and one against Proposition 8, which ended gay marriage in California — say the best way out of the intractable legal wars over gay marriage is to take marriage out of the hands of the government altogether. (See pictures of the busiest wedding day in history.)

 

Instead, give gay and straight couples alike the same license, a certificate confirming them as a family, and call it a civil union — anything, really, other than marriage. For people who feel the word marriage is important, the next stop after the courthouse could be the church, where they could bless their union with all the religious ceremony they wanted. Religions would lose nothing of their role in sanctioning the kinds of unions that they find in keeping with their tenets. And for nonbelievers and those who find the word marriage less important, the civil-union license issued by the state would be all they needed to unlock the benefits reserved in most states and in federal law for married couples.

"While new terminology for all may at first seem awkward — mostly in greeting-card shops — [it] dovetails with the court's important responsibility to reaffirm the unfettered freedom of all faiths to extend the nomenclature of marriage as their traditions allow," wrote Douglas W. Kmiec and Shelley Ross Saxer. Kmiec voted for Prop 8 because of his belief in the teachings of the Catholic Church and his notion of religious liberty but has since said he thinks the courts should not allow one group of Californians to marry while denying the privilege to others.

 

Their idea got a big boost three days later, during the March 5 oral arguments before the California Supreme Court, which is expected to issue a ruling soon in the case brought by gay couples and others who argue the constitutional amendment passed by voters last fall should be invalidated. Justice Ming Chin asked attorneys for each side whether the idea would solve the legal issues connected to gay marriage — issues that at their core revolve around the question of whether allowing some couples to marry but not others violates constitutional guarantees of equal protection under the law. (Check out a story about the state of marriage and divorce in America.)

 

Both sets of lawyers agreed that the idea would resolve the equal-protection issue. Take the state out of the marriage business and then both kinds of couples — straight and gay — would be treated the same. Even Ken Starr, the Pepperdine law dean and former Whitewater independent counsel who argued in favor of Prop 8, agreed that the idea would solve the legal issues, though he said it was a solution that lies outside the legal authority of the court. An attorney for the other side, Michael Maroko, didn't expressly endorse the idea, but he told Chin, "If you're in the marriage business, do it equally. And if you're not going to do it equally, get out of the business."

 

The two Pepperdine professors are arguing that the court should use that line of thinking in crafting its decision in the case before it, short-circuiting the need for a new referendum. Their proposal is aimed at helping speed a resolution on the issue in other states — gay marriage is heating up in Iowa, Connecticut, Vermont and elsewhere — and at the federal level. All sides on the debate expect the issues bubbling up out of the state courts and legislatures to eventually gain traction in federal courts too, ultimately leading to a case before the Supreme Court or efforts to amend the U.S. Constitution or both.

 

But as Solomonic as the compromise seems, giving up the word marriage may be impossible. For many couples joined in matrimony, having the state no longer call them married may make them feel as if something important had been taken away — even if it's hard to define just what was lost. And for many others — the folks who feel most strongly about marriage and most passionately supported the expensive campaign to defeat gay marriage — the issue of nomenclature is only the beginning. They are against not just gay marriage but also gay couples — and especially against government sanctioning of those relationships, no matter what they are called.

 

And as Chin considers whether he can craft a compromise with his fellow justices that would both uphold Prop 8 — and therefore the right of the people to amend the state constitution — and assert the right of gay people to be treated equally, he may find that the folks who cling hardest to marriage are gay couples. After all, what was the most sweeping part of the May 2008 decision Ming and his colleagues issued that granted gays the right to marry? It was the idea that the word marriage is so strong that denying it to gay couples violates the most sacred right enshrined in the state constitution: the right for all people to be treated with dignity and fairness. Just 10 months later, gay couples — whether or not they are among the 18,000 who married in the state before Prop 8 stopped the ceremonies — are loath to lose a word for which so many fought so hard and so long to have apply to themselves.

 

But the Pepperdine idea puts into a play a new way of thinking — and whether it's part of the court's decision in the Prop 8 case or whether it makes its way into a new referendum, the idea of getting governments out of the marriage business offers a creative way of thinking about a problem that is otherwise likely to be around for a long, long time. See a story about the U.S. Supreme Court's gay-rights legacy. What happens when you're on the gay-rights enemies list. Is California's Supreme Court shifting on gay marriage?

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Can We Talk? Secret Romantic Relationships Go Sour Quickly

Can We Talk? Secret Romantic Relationships Go Sour Quickly By Dennis Schleicher www.OtherMan.typepad.com — Secret romantic relationships are hot, right? Movies and television dramas are full of them, and they almost always seem intense, the gateway to a new life filled with promise & hope if not outright ecstasy.

If you believe that, two psychologists who are about to publish research on the subject have a word of advice for you on Valentine's Day: Get a life. "We found virtually nothing good in the long-term about secret romantic relationships," said W. Keith Campbell of the University of Georgia. "In the beginning, the secrecy may increase the allure, but in every study we conducted it was ultimately detrimental to a quality relationship." The research, which will be published in March in the journal Personal Relationships, was co-authored by Craig Foster of the U.S. Air Force Academy. "Secret relationships seem fun and exciting to many people, but the results of our research do not support that view," said Foster. "Individuals in secret romantic relationships consistently report lower levels of relationship quality.

These results are inconsistent with a common belief that secret romances are fun and exciting. When individuals think of secret romances, they probably imagine late-night clandestine meetings where the potential for being caught enhances the romantic experience; however, a realistic portrait of romantic relationships reveals that maintaining secrecy is more frustrating than fun." Research on secrecy in romantic relationships is surprisingly thin, the authors say, and that "may be related to a belief that romantic secrecy is a blithe topic that does not genuinely affect many individuals." Considering how many relationships are secret and the stress they put on friends and family, not to mention lovers, the lack of information may seem, to many, downright odd. There are many reasons for romantic secrecy, of course. The authors cite as examples of relationships that may require secrecy ones that are homosexual, interracial. Just as often, however, secret workplace romances occur, and though they sometimes fade before causing lasting damage, friends and family are often trapped in a web of divided loyalties and deceit.

The authors based their conclusions on three studies, based on question-and-answer surveys, with undergraduate students from the University of North Carolina. In the first study, romantic secrecy predicted lower levels of initial relationship quality and decreased relationship quality over a two-week period. The second and third studies confirmed that romantic secrecy's allure rapidly degrades during the beginning weeks of such a relationship. "Most of those in the survey didn't say they got involved in a secret relationship because it looked like fun," said Campbell. "The main reason is that they didn't want friends and family finding out." If secret relationships can be shown to be unsatisfactory for most people, then why are such relationships the backbone of soap operas, many mainstreams movies and hundreds of books published each year?

It may be because it's more about escape than about love, and of course, since Romeo and Juliet (and really long before) the idea of secret lovers has exerted a strong pull on the popular imagination. "Members of secret relationships likely observe others sharing their romantic relationship information with their friends, while they must continually inhibit the desire to share their own experiences," said Foster. "In the case of severe romantic secrecy, relationship members are required to lie about their activities and their relationship status for weeks, months or years. Members of stigmatized relationships, such as homosexual or interracial relationships, may experience additional frustration as the need for romantic secrecy is enforced by a greater social problem." Campbell, author of the just-released When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself (Sourcebooks Casablanca) is considered a national expert on narcissism, and the new study, he says, points out there may be some benefits to secrecy at the very earliest stages of a secret romantic relationship. Such benefits, however, are currently unclear at best and may well be the topic of another study on the subject. Most people in secret relationships end up better off than Romeo and Juliet, of course. Then again, living to regret it might actually be worse – at least for a dramatist – than apparently blissful sacrifice.